


Love Me Harder

by curiositykills



Category: Taynew
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Feels, Eating Disorders, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Model!AU, Model!New, Photographer!Tay, Romance, side offgun, taynew - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-10-29 14:00:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17809283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curiositykills/pseuds/curiositykills
Summary: Tay just need a distraction and enters New, a model with more than a blinding smile.





	1. Of dreams and reality

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, guys. This is my first attempt at writing Taynew and (fail) Model AU. Hope this fic is not too bad and my apologies for my bad grammar. Lastly, enjoy reading!

 

 

“So, are you a photographer?”

Tay opened his eyes tiredly and feels the bed shifted under him. He threw unamused glance at the guy sitting other side of the bed, chest bare without any clothes with a DSLR camera in his hand. His favourite camera. Grunting loudly in irritation, Tay snatched it away.

“You need to learn asking for permission” Tay glared at the guy who called himself New, voice laced with exasperation, frown kept intact on his eyebrows. He never likes people touching his stuff without his permission. Especially a guy with doe eyes.

“What a coincidence, I’m actually working as a model” Tay just shrugged off his shoulder and put down the camera in his lap, not really listening. Despite his behaviour, New doesn’t seemed offended, only bloom a bigger smile on his plush lips while doe eyes shines, looking at him animatedly.

Tay wasn’t quite sure how he ended up in bed, naked with the fair-skinned guy.

All he remembered was he needed a distraction. It was probably somewhere between the loud bass of beats and blaring sound of electronic music in the club, Off had dumped him to go flirt with a guy in the corner of the bar right after shoving the sixth glass of alcohol in his hand. Tay was tipsy on his toes as he struggled to keep his eyes open.

It was probably when his brain was too tired to function before someone crashed on his back, nearly making him dropped the glass in his hand. Preparing a deathly glare, Tay had turned and found a guy looking at him with eyes smiling, lips grinning as he bowed down and looking far from apologetic.

“I’m so sorry” he guy said, cheeks flushed in pink colours, eyes shining bright and his glare dropped instantly.

Like a miracle, his distraction came in a form of a guy 176 cm tall, doe eyes, cute button nose and red puffy lips. The guy is probably around his early 20s, Tay couldn’t tell by his tall height but there is a trace of baby fat on his face that made him appeared slightly younger.

The guy had offered to buy him a drink a bit later or was it him was the one who bought the guy a drink (?) Tay wasn’t sure. But it started to get a little hot the moment the guy invaded his space that they were almost sharing a breath. He doesn’t remember what they talked about or how they seemed to lean against each other but the next thing Tay knows, they were already taking a cab back to his house, tongue down in each other’s throat and hands groping everywhere they can reach.

“By the way, how do you use this thing?” New poked him in the stomach, shaking him from his trance. Tay found himself enveloped with warmth as New moved closer, leaning against his shoulder. The guy rested his head on Tay’s shoulder and curled around him as if getting comfortable, like lovers. It threw him off. Not the kind of behaviour that he welcomed from one night stand.

“Have you used a camera before?” Tay asked. New shook his head, eyes blinking innocently. He pushed himself up, straighten against the headboard and draw a space between them.

“Hold it” he flicked the switch on button and put the camera in front of New.

“This, is the shutter while, the ISO is this one right here” Tay pointed out and tried to explain the functions calmly without using any practical words. No longer than a minute, bare skin was sticky against him again, warm.

Musky smell of sweat and sex lingering in the room, Tay restrained from pulling away. New seemed confused with the camera in his hand. Those lips pouted, long fingers dancing along the body of the camera as his eyes scanned it like a toy, trying to figure out the function.

“And…you click this one to get a shot” his hands are touching against New’s with chest meeting the other’s back. Breath were fanning hot against the other’s ear. It tingles, leaving New shivering a bit. Tay tried really hard not to stare too long at the expanse of neck inches away from him and wondered what kind of reaction New would give if he licks a stripe along his nape.

“Give it a try” His voice dropped low as he found himself distracted.

_Click._

“What the hell?” Tay cursed, blinded by the sudden flash in his eyes. He rubbed and snapped his eyes open, only to glare at the guy who was in a giggling mess next to him. Tay doesn’t even give a second thought before he pounced on the other guy, grabbing New by his hips and rolling them over so he could be on top.

“Ugh, let me go. You’re heavy” New tried kicking Tay off him, grunting when a knee knocked his shin so Tay grabbed New by his thighs, hiking it over his waist and pulled both of his hands, pinning it above his head.

“Who’s laughing now?” Tay smirked. Tightening his grip on New's wrists, he pushed his hips forward, making New whined as both of their crotch brushed against each other. His eyes flickered to those half-lidded eyes instantly, gulping down the temptation to roll his hips again.

“You know, if I didn’t know better, I would have thought you’re flirting with me” New said breathlessly and licked at his chapped lips.

“But then again, you don’t even tell me your name” Shining eyes looking at him. Tay doesn’t like it, it’s so distracting.

“Aren’t you awfully chummy to a stranger whom you just fucked with” Tay narrowed his eyes. New has long stopped struggling and Tay let his fingers slides from his stomach over his broad chest to place his arms around Tay’s neck, pulling him close instead. Mixed breath hovering their lips.

“Can’t help it. You’re pretty attractive” New nudged his nose, smiling cheekily. He is a perfect distraction. Tay doesn’t find himself any better options except to tilt the jaw and leaned in, capturing those lips into a bruising kiss.

By the time he woke up to a ray of sunlight shining his room, New was nowhere to be found. His favourite DSLR camera was placed back on its original spot. There is no note or name card on his bedside table. Just Tay alone in a cold bed, clutching on bit of warmth from comforter. He closed his eyes and ignored the weird twist in the pit of his stomach.

 

-

 

A life without colours.

Click.

That is how Tay would described his life, a world painted with shades of grey. Like old withered photographs which were once sprinkled with bright and vibrant colours. His world seemingly to remind him of old film movies he used to watch on Wednesday night when he was a kid. Contours and lines graced with black ink only to leave white to fill in empty spaces of his life. He doesn’t mind, Tay shook his head. Not really.

Sounds of shutters snapping pictures after pictures which revolve around people. Snap. A toddler with tears streaming down as she was held close, cradled in her mum’s arm. Snap. Dark coffee spilled across the table. Tay inhaled a gulp of air and lets his camera dangling on his side as he watched the sun setting down, slowly disappearing behind the dark sky.

Setting up his camera, he changed the angle this time and turned to the big crowd this time. Snap. A group of girls laughing with hands covering their mouth. Snap. An old man crossed the road. Snap. A guy with a cap was standing still next to a pole. He took a look at his lens again, zooming in at the pale face. Tay lowered his camera and blinked, somehow, the figure looks familiar. His thoughts were interrupted by a phone call.

Slipping out his phone, his thumb halted as soon as he saw Lee’s name appeared, flashing bright on the screen. It’s been two weeks since they talked to each other. He gulped a mouthful of breath before deciding to wait for a minute. The call died down. But, not a even two seconds after that, the screen flashes again and it just brought a smile to his face. Knowing Lee, the guy hardly gives up and very persistent in getting what he wants. It is also one of his charms that made Tay fell for him in the first place. Agitatedly, he slid the button and answered.

“Hey. What’s up?” Tay answered in a chirpy voice, it sounded a little off. He hoped Lee doesn’t hear it.

“Hey. I just want to tell you that I just grabbed my things from your place”

He shuffled his feet slightly and nodded, swallowing before responds in a quiet tone, “Oh. Okay. That’s great”

A silence stretched between them as the clock ticks.

“Listen, I know that we were just fucking around before but are you really okay with this? You know, with me having a girlfriend”

“Of course, I am” he laughed half-heartedly before continued, “Don’t worry. It’s not like we were in a relationship to begin with” Tay said with a deep breath and eased a grin on his lips. It sounds insensitive as soon as it rolled out from his tongue yet Tay doesn’t take it back, neither he is feeling guilty. It was the truth.

“Right” was the only thing that Lee managed to say.

Tay willed himself to shut his eye for a moment, pushing away everything that is lurching up in his throat. It is suffocating. Hands were holding tight on his camera as he clenches his jaw, fingers tugging on the strap.

“Yeah” Tay shrugged it off and tried not to pay attention at sound of disappointment on the other line because what else he was supposed to say? After all, he was the one who cuts off this tie between them. The atmosphere is getting heavy and the airway of his throat is getting tight that he found himself drowning, painfully slow, so Tay does what he is especially best at.

He escapes.

Clearing his throat, Tay speaks, “Lee, I got a work to do. Let’s hang out whenever you’re free. Okay?” It was a lie. He doubts they are going to hang out again despite what happened, at least, that is how it usually plays out in his life.

“Okay. Yeah...Bye” and the other hanged up as it beeped.

Tay ran his hand through his hair and sighed, ignoring the slight pain on his chest. Turning his feet around, he looked across the road again with his lens. The guy is nowhere to be found and the street was starting to clear from crowd of people as the sky was getting darker. Biting on his lip, he decided that he should probably head home. Tay kept his camera inside his bag and waited for the light to turn green before he crossed the road.

 

-

 

It was somewhere between end of summer and start of rainy season when Tay caught a cold, wheezing horribly as he braced himself under the rush of chilly wind slapping at his skin. Teeth chattering and he breathed to puff some of the heat on his palm, body shivering as he fastens his walk through pedestrians on the roadside.

Tucking his chin lower under his hoodie, Tay coughed noisily in his palm and pulled his jacket tighter. His head was a little bit dizzy after nearly half an hour walking around the streets and groaned in relief when he saw GMM building in the corner of his eyes, catching up his pace altogether as he shouldered the camera bag on his side, nearly tripping over knocking people passing by.

It was early in the morning and sun has barely set in. Tay has a cup of espresso in his hand to sober him up from yesterday’s hangover which was his worst decision ever. He did not plan on getting drunk last night but Neng’s grin was contagious, radiating with happiness as if getting his first pay was like winning a trophy so Tay did not reject the drinks and kept it coming until he passed out.

He had woken up with a pulsing headache in the morning, phone blaring next to his ear and as soon as he picked up, all he got was panicked voice from Off, yelling that an assistant photographer had bailed in the last minute so he could only depend on Tay to keep his job with countless of please please please. Tay said yes without a beat since he’s at the end of the month and money in his bank could barely covered his expense until next month. Before the month ends, he got a phone call interview and thanks to his countless experience in the past, he managed to secure the job.

“Introducing, Tawan Vihokratana, the new assistant photographer for this photoshoot” Off began as soon as everyone was seated in the meeting room.

Tay stood straight and greeted them properly with a waii, bowing slightly. He introduced himself calmly and making sure he made eye contacts with everyone for the sake of formality. He sat down and wandered his eyes around the room, scanning each faces only to halt at the fair skinned guy sitting across him, nodding in acknowledgement when the guy smiled at him.

“Hello. My name is Thitipoom Techaapaikhun, I’m the model for today. Please take care of me” Everyone clapped as soon as the guy introduced himself, plopping back into his seat once he finished it with a bright smile. It was mesmerizing, Tay thought. Too mesmerizing.

Apparently, the guy he slept with two weeks ago goes by the name New or Newwie, who is quite a newbie in the industry. Tay clicked his tongue as he remembered New from a couple of pictorials of some magazines that was laid in the common room for staffs. Off also had mentioned to him once, telling him that GMM just recruited a new model for their upcoming projects. And New is just like everything Off had described; tall, fresh-faced, young blood with eyes full of determination. Tay bit his inner cheek.

It was a bit of chaos like usual but the photoshoot started off smoothly with Tay was running around the studio set, making sure every props were in its place with a camera dangling on his other hand. Some other time, he would ran to the other side to fix the lighting and stood next to the director as he took notes on the importance of props’s colours or which angle to shoot from to make the model appeared taller and so on.

“Awesome!”

Click.

“Gorgeous!” the director’s yells continued echoing through the whole room, reaching every corner with every snap of shutter.

“Perfect!”

Now that Tay has the chance to look at New under the bright fluorescent light, he can’t deny it. New is pretty handsome and quite fair for a guy. His features is a complete package for a model, toned body, wide chest and height almost 180 cm with bright shining eyes. Tay forced himself to tear his eyes away from the monitor and shrugged off the way his heart flutters.

Despite how little experience New has, Tay was surprised at his ability to cope and adapt into the environment very quickly, how his face changes 360 degrees instantly as soon as the camera rolls. Although, there are some time he struggled to pull in the emotions or the right pose but the determination flickered in his eyes made Tay reminded of his younger self, back when he was clouding in the fantasy of dream.

New is naïve, he could tell.

 

-

 

“You’re not lying when you said you’re a photographer” New approached him one day, in the middle of a filming break. Tay doesn’t really answer as he merely smiles and took his lunch box from the table.

“I don’t expect to meet you again though. It’s like fate brought us together” New cheerily said and Tay nearly scoffed out loud.

“Uh...I guess” Tay shifted uncomfortably on his feet. New has his black hair flopped onto his face this time, almost covering his eyes. Shirt tight around his body, flaunting off his biceps and Tay most definitely appreciates the sight of pale skin when New stretched his arms, shirt hiking a little, showing a peek of his abs.

“You’re not eating?” he asked when he realized New doesn’t have a plate on his hand.

“Nah. I’m good. Still full from breakfast” as he shook his head.

“Oh. Okay” Tay can’t help but frowned, eyebrows creasing. If he was not mistaken, they only had bread for breakfast in the morning and it was nearly six hours since they has anything to eat. He moved to grab the plastic utensils scattered on the side and slipped a napkin into his pocket.

For some reason, New decided to spend his lunch break with him that day. Tay pulled a face as New took a chair next to him. He doesn’t really want to spend his alone time entertaining someone and especially if that someone is widely known in the company.

“How long have you been a photographer?” New asked.

“Sometime now” Tay answered with lack of effort and munched on his rice. He didn’t missed the long stare and rising eyebrows from several staffs every time they passed by them. It’s annoying but then, he can’t even chase New away. Glaring once and twice, he shook his head and turned his gaze the male in front of him.

“What about you, Mr Popular? How does it feel to be up there?” It supposed to be just a simple question, yet it sounds sarcastic. Tay bit his tongue at the droop of eyebrow on New’s face. It took a moment for the guy to laugh it off.

“I’m still lack a lot so it’s too soon to call me that. The experience is nice, although, sometimes it was hard because I have to control my body and my expression on the set and trying to understand what the director like and don’t like but it’s alright, I guess. That is the process of learning. Also, the price of my dream” New looked at him with a gentle smile. Tay quirked an eyebrow. He knew New was just being humble, showing an image of down-to-earth guy since he has a reputation to take care of.

“Is being a photographer your dream too?” New nudged his elbow lightly. It’s hard to look away from New because he sparkles with such full of innocence and joy, naïve from the world outside. Something that Tay lacks of. A lot.

“If you could call setting up props, running around doing errands for people and not getting enough sleep as my dream, yup, I guess I’m living it right now” Tay snorted and laughed bitterly, eyes fixed on the smiling guy across him.

“Have anyone told you that you have a weird sense humor?” New tilted his head sideways.

“You’re the first one” Tay blinked at him for a long, long moment. There is something that made him drawn towards New. Tay cannot really pinpoint what, it’s probably the glint in the male’s eyes or maybe the beautiful arch at the tips when he curls his lips.

“Anyway, thank you for letting me spent my lunch break with you. I’m so sorry. It was must be so uncomfortable to have people staring at you. I should have asked you first” or maybe the way his voice sounds, light and feathery around the words. It seemed so—fragile.

“To return your gratitude, this is an I Owe You ticket” New pulled out something from his pocket and put it in front Tay. He said nothing as he picked it up and open the a small paper which has I Owe You jotted down big in with black marker, a small cursive handwriting at the lower right side that might be his signature.

“I made it myself, don’t tell anybody” New added up hastily in whisper, index finger placed at his lips. That look, that eyes—it annoys Tay.

Picking up his fork, Tay picked on the fish in his tray, knuckles turning white as he gripped it hard. Because despite being exposed to the real world, he can still picture New clutching tightly on hope and chasing after threads of his fantasy.

“I should go get dressed” New smiled as he excused himself, a warm hand placed on Tay’s shoulder.

Tay jabbed at the cherry tomato on his plate, eyes downcasted. He hates it because the fact that he no longer has a dream—crushed him, made him turned into a weak and exhausted guy around the neighbourhood, working his ass off and busy scraping money from his empty bank account just to find a reason to live. It made his life seemed paler in comparison. Somewhere behind the devil in him, he wants to corrupt New and watches those eyes break.

So Tay does just that.

“Or you can buy me buy me a drink” he looked up from his plate, lips working up a slow smirk.

Like an innocent child, New smiles.

 

-

 

That night, Tay brought New to join Off and Gun (who was apparently the guy that Off brought back home that night they were in the club) for a late dinner in order to celebrate their first project together. It is also turned out that Gun and New were studying from the same high school.

Leaning comfortably against Off’s chest, Gun opened up a story about how New was used to be a lot chubbier than he is now, telling how everyone in the school used to call him a polar bear because of his bigger physique despite being a high school student. Tay shot his brows upward and turned to New, asking for confirmation. New just pulled his usual smile.

“You fatty” Gun teased, laughing out loud as he poked at New’s stomach and Off just grinned at the side, not forgetting to feed the smaller guy his food.

It must be the alcohol but Tay found himself giddier than usual, a bit more talkative but New was quiet by his side, only rolled his eyes when Off and Gun threw dirty jokes among themselves and grinned, dragging his fork and spoon around the plate. Tay turned to look at New, smile fading when he noticed that his food was barely untouched. He leaned in closer, shoulder touching New’s slightly.

“You’re okay? Does the food taste bad?” He whispered softly to New, trying to avoid from diverting other’s attention and their eyes met as soon as New tipped his chin to meet Tay in the eyes.

“It’s nice but I’m waiting for something even better” New picked up one of the sausages and bit on the tip. Tay choked.

Grabbing one of the glasses filled with water, he chugged it down sloppily to the brim. As soon as he finished, Off and Gun were looking at him weird and laughed, while New winked at him playfully. Those small eyes crinkled slightly when New grinned and Tay feels a weird twist in stomach. He ignored it to pour water in his glass.

By the time Tay paid the bill with money that New gave him, New was the first one to disappear without a word. Off said New has a sudden emergency so he has to leave. Unconsciously, Tay’s shoulder slumped in dejection, cursing under his breath. Gun bid him goodbye with tipsy Off hanging over his shoulder, waving the taller guy’s hands in the midst of air and Tay chuckled, amused at their public display affection.

He searched around for his handphone to call a taxi and became frantic when it was not in his pocket. Tay palmed his face when he remembered he might have left it on the table so he turn his heels and get back into the restaurant. Luckily, the waiters are just about to clean the table when he saw his handphone and blinked his eyes in confusion when he realized the food on New’s plate was full as if barely untouched. Tay’s stomach makes a weird twist again.

 

-

 

Honest to say, Tay doesn't expect it when it happened.

That time when he was in one of the stalls in the bathroom, busy calming himself, fingers curled tight on his knees before he continues running outside socializing with famous people. But as soon as he got up, he heard a loud banging from the bathroom’s door outside and sound of lock clicked. Tay shakes his head in annoyance, the last thing he wanted is to stuck in a bathroom with horny people making out, especially in a special event like this where he needs to put out his name to the insiders.

There is a sound of sobbing. He halted his hand by the door and waits, eyebrows knitted in confusion. After that he could hear a grunt, puking sound that sounds almost like he is vomiting his insides. It took about five minutes before a long stretch of silence and Tay was worried the guy is sick so he mounted a courage and got out of the stall.

If Tay was asked whether he was proud of his wild imagination, within a flash he would pulled on a wide grin and holler out loud _YES_ into that someone’s ear. There is no doubt about his creative mind either, he definitely has a lot of pride stake on it and almost everyone around him acknowledges it, thanks to his noisy chatter when he told his family during dinner, about a weird dream of him suddenly turned into an orca whale and being eaten by a giant sea monster.

Imaginations running wild as he go through various scenarios of what’s happening outside his cubicle. He had imagined every possible scenarios, even the cliché ones, _except—_

Except New already has half of his makeup striped off, cheeks tinted in light pink and he was near nowhere to be described as proper. His kneecap was digging on the floor, white pants stained and scrawny fingers clinging by the bowl too tight as if holding onto his dear life as he was busy puking bile of his stomach acids, while Tay left to be standing awkwardly by the door and only managed to watch. He was loss at words, too stunned to do anything.

“Can you…turn around?”

It took Tay two long seconds to realize that New was talking to him. New who has his hair coiffed up, a gentle smile on his plush lips and bit of vomit by his chin. And it took another two seconds for him to comply the other’s guy request so he clumsily turns around and turns on the tap water to the highest one, washing his hand loudly until the sound of water drowns him in it.

Tay rushed out from the restroom as soon as the sound of flush could be heard.

 

-

 

He waited until almost everyone left the studio that he finally have the courage to confront New regarding the other night incident. Considering New would always be the last one to leave the studio, it was easy to get alone with him. And thanks to his observant eyes, New seemed to find peace inside the storage room every time he got a break in between the photoshoot filming. It had left Tay uneasy the moment he found out. Gathering up himself, he curled his hand around the tomb and stepped into the room.

It was humid in Bangkok, warm even when the dark sky taking over but Tay could only feel cold in his body, hands shivering. It was dark inside the storage room but rays of light from outside filtered through window outlined New’s body, who was sitting at the far corner with knees up to his chest. The silence was mind-numbing, making him anxious than he was. Tense.

“Are you okay?” his question doesn’t meet with any answer. Maybe, he shouldn’t be here, Tay gives a second thought on turning his heels around and walking out of the room.

“What are you doing in the dark, New?” Tay asked again. He tried to move and avoid from stepping into anything but it was hard considering it is a storage room filled boxes and props and there is nowhere else he could go other than ducking his head and squatting down.

“Thinking” New finally spoke, voice slightly wavering. His tone low, monotonous. Different. Tonight the male was looking out of his demeanor. Lips clasped tight and nowhere reaching to his eyes.

“About what?” Tay tried again, moving sideways and slipped inside the cramped space, next to New. The guy is warm next to him and Tay felt relief ran through himself. It made him feel something, keeping him afloat from drowning under.

“Do you have a dream?” New tilted his gaze to meet Tay’s blank stare. “My dream is to be the greatest model of all time. What’s yours?”

Tay was about to speak but then realized he got no answer for the question. His throat clogged and the room fell into silence again. The silence rings in his eardrums that it stings. Tay took five seconds before he can found his voice again. “I don’t have it anymore”

A soft chuckle escaped. “Nonsense. Everyone has a dream”

Tay doesn’t answer as he stared at his stained canvas shoes. It has been a long time since he washed his shoes. He is also far from being upset. But Tay doesn’t feel warmth from New anymore, he just feels numb. Detached. All he could think now is he wants to go out, running in the street among the crowd of people and probably curls into his cold comforter until the sun comes up.

“Do you think I’m a good model?” New murmured under his breath.

“What?”

“Are you okay? You sound weird” he has yet to finish his sentence when his lips were crushed into a deep kiss. New pulled away and Tay stared at his glistening red lips puzzlingly before looking into New’s eyes again, searching for answers. There is a bitter taste of alcohol at the tip of his tongue.

“Fuck me” the guy demands briskly, eyes heavy on him.

“What?” he mumbled again. Even in the dark, Tay could not see the usual twinkle gleaming in the other’s eyes. It was like looking into another different person. Somehow, it saddened him.

“Come on, it's not like you haven't done this before. Fuck me” a hand fell on top of his knee, squeezing.

Tay creased his eyebrows together as he watched as the other guy breathes, eyes gazing down. There’s a lump gathered at Tay’s throat because New sounds desperate. He took New’s hand in his larger one. It was warm and sweaty unlike his cold sheet and Tay could feel the pulse leaps as he swiped a thumb across an opened palm. The thudding was fleeting but it’s there, beneath the skin.

The thing with New is supposed to be a one-time being. That was how it supposed to play for every one-night stand but fate probably loves to see Tay suffer. Or maybe, he chose to suffer in this case.

 

-

 

"I've been imagining you're fucking me on the meeting table since you walked through that room" New’s voice came out in a groan as Tay slammed him hard against the wall, hands tight against his hair. He can feel himself burn, heat rising in his cheeks when he felt something heavy nudged on his left thigh.

“And— _ah_ , I thought you don’t fuck the same person for a second time” Breathy moan fell from his lips. His breath hitched as he felt a tongue licked around the shell of his ear before biting it harsh. It hurts, New wanted to say it out loud but a pair of lips swallowed his sentence before he could begin with.

“Well, consider yourself special" Tay whispered, voice sensually thick, lips and teeth heavy over the other’s earlobe. He dragged his hand to palm New through his pants and thrust his groin against New’s ass at the same time, leaving the guy to whimper helplessly. Then, Tay pulled one of New’s thigh and hiked it over his waist, grinding their erections together for frictions as he continued ravaging the other guy’s plump lips, swiping his tongue over New’s open mouth.

“Fuck” Tay fixed his iron grip on New’s thigh who was about to slide down and rut forward, making both of them moan at the same time. Buckling down New’s pants, Tay slipped one of his hand inside to take his cock out of his boxer, pulling and stroking it into his fist which soon turned hard in a matter of seconds that left New into a whining mess.

“Bedroom, please” New raggedly breathed into Tay’s neck as he clings to him tightly. Reaching up to cup Tay’s nape, New sloshed their lips together again, tongue wildly stroking every corner of Tay’s mouth and dragged his plush lips downwards to suck on the adam apple, feeling it vibrate under his palm as he extracted a low moan from the other.

And they fuck for the second time. Tay doesn’t think twice before stripping off his clothes and throwing New onto the mattress with a thud, ripping the other guy’s shirt off so they are bare skin to skin. Hands wandering around the pale skin, touch lingering as he kissed New roughly into the mattress, weight heavy against him. It only took three fingers for preparation, crooking and stretching the tight heat for New to squirm under him, mouth gaping the moment he hit the bundle of nerves.

Crawling over the other guy, Tay cupped on New’s face and stared at how his eyes waters the moment he slid into him, nails scratching red marks on his back. He pulled only a bit before ramming back again, hard, making the other choked a loud _Tay_ and Tay didn’t missed the first tear fell down, trickling down his cheek. He licked at the trail, lips pulling a small smile. It felt satisfying.

For a moment.

Fixing on a bruising grip, Tay thrusted again, making sure it hits harder at the prostate each time he pulled out. He groaned out loud, opening thighs even further, fingers digging into hips even more as he picked up speed. He pushed all the way in when New gasped out a moan, another tear falling from his eyes.

Unlike the first time, Tay watched New breaks.

It doesn't feel good as he thought.

 

-

 

“Where are you going?” New opened his eyes tiredly when he feels the bed shifted under him.

“Home” Tay said in a quiet tone. New turned to his bedside table and read his watch.

“Its almost 3 a.m. No bus is running at this time” New responded, rubbing his left eye. Tay could feel his heart swells a little at the scene, he looked like a boy under this dim light.

“It’s fine. I can walk” Tay turned around hastily, almost tripping on his pants along the way before grabbing his stuffs and slipping into his hoodie that he reached from the other side of the bed, lean muscle flexing underneath.

“Just stay until 6” New murmured lazily.

“I can’t” Tay said, eyes fleeting over New as the guy slipped out of the bed.

Standing all bare in his birthday suit. Tay licked at his dry lips, trying not to stare too long at the dimples in his back at the bottom of his spine. New opened his wardrobe, picking up a short, and bend over to pull it over his pale legs. Tay could spot a blooming bruise at the back of his thigh even under the dim light.

“I don't do sleepover” Tay paused to look at New in the eye. “Especially with someone I just fucked with”

It comes off a bit harsh. Tay restrained himself from saying sorry and took his phone on the bedside table to slip into his pocket. He prepared himself for a frown on New’s face and ready to leave but the frown never come.

“Okay. Just close the bedroom door on your way out, then” New spoke as he curled his usual smile and Tay wondered if it is as genuine as it looks. It doesn’t reach the other’s eyes but it looks genuine enough to convince Tay.

“Yeah. Sure” Tay quickly retaliated.

Nodding reluctantly, Tay doesn’t return the smile neither he said goodbye. Closing the bedroom door with a soft thud, he slipped his shoes and doesn’t turn back. Once he reached home, Tay struggled to sleep, tossing and turning with New’s smile painted at the back of his eyelid. He ended up staying up until morning, chest constricted in discomfort.

 

-

 

The clock hits 8:10 a.m. when he was arrived so Tay prepared himself to get yelled at because it is his fault for not being punctual. As a photographer’s assistant, he was supposed to be there at least one hour early to set up the lighting and making sure the set is ready for a shoot.

However, by the time he set his foot inside the studio, no one paid attention to him as half the staffs were in a state of jumbled mess and Tay could see Gun talking in discreet with a manager, eyebrow drawn upwards with a sigh escaping his lips. He thinks twice about going over towards Gun because it seemed like there is something wrong happened. The main photographer did not even spare him any glance and just rushed out of the room.

“Focus, New! You’re wasting my fucking time” suddenly a shout broke through the whole room.

Everyone froze. The brief silence stilled in the room and at the end of the corner, Tay caught a glimpse of New standing with his head bowed down, hands clasped together. The director circled around New, stopping in front of him only to push at his head. Once. Twice. He did not know what came into him but Tay found himself walking towards the scene, not until his hand was tugged by Off.

“It’s not your business to interfere” Off said empathically, shaking his head.

Then, Gun came next to him, hands pulling at his arm as he nudged at the door. Tay doesn’t move, he continued staring instead. From here, Tay can see how red New’s face turned as the director yelled out loud that he was too unfit to become a model and that he has been wasting their staff’s time, screaming that he either has to keep up and work harder or just quit.

“I’m sorry, Director” New bowed again for the second time.

It was quite a sight but what surprised him the most is how the model still managed to crack a smile after that, brushing it off like nothing had happened. At first, he felt rage. Then, a feeling somewhat akin to sympathy curled in Tay’s stomach and he bit his inner cheek. Turning around, Tay walked out from the studio.

 

-

 

When New finally get a break, he found a large cup of strawberry soda on top of his makeup table. His eyebrow quirked, looking back and forth at the cup and the people around him, wondering if someone left their drink at his place. It unusual because he always remind the staffs to put keep the makeup table clean except for cosmetics.

New hesitated for a minute not until he lifted the cup and noticed a note attached to it. _I heard sugar help to relieve stress so I hope it relieved yours_. The scribble of writing was neat but what caught his attention was a doodle of camera under it.

The photoshoot dragged another five hours and everyone in the studio was left jittery. The director’s temper was also not making the situation any better. Tay was tired from running in and out of the studio, his legs ached and people around him made his head spinning but at least the glimmer in New’s eyes returns. Also, for some reason, the beaming smile plastered on New’s lips succeeds in washing away his fatigue.

And it turns out, smile suits New better.

 

-

 

“Please don’t tell me that you’ve invited New Thitipoom to join our late dinner” Tay froze on his spot. He could see Gun walking side by side with New, animatedly talking to the taller guy, hands going around in the midst air as he explained.

“Don’t be mean, Tay. He’s a great guy” Off rolled his eyes.

“I can’t” Tay was about to turn the other way around but _dammit_ , his friend is strong and wow those workout at the gym does function, he thought bitterly as his friend pulled Tay along with him.

“Why not?” Off looked at him.

“Oops, did I forget to tell you about that one time I fucked a male model? Rare, huh. Oh shit, I fucked him again last week, so it’s actually twice. Double oopsie” he said sarcastically and face palmed.

“You did what?” This time the hold on his arm turned unbearably tight that he winced. Off turned to look at him square in the face, eyebrows rising high as if he cannot believe what nonsense Tay just spewed out.

“Yeah, I know. It’s wrong according to work etiquette yada yada. But hey, you hit on Gun too” Off was about to cut him off but Tay hold a hand in front of his face, stopping him.

“Yes, I know. You guys are on a serious relationship, meanwhile me on the other hand is nail-and-bail type of guy which according to you—could probably create a lot of problem. You don’t have to remind me. And that is _exactly_ why you can’t bring New. I can’t be spending any more time with him” Tay explained hastily with feet steadily going backwards.

“Hi, handsome” Gun jumped out of nowhere and kissed Off on his cheek.

“Hey” Slowly, New sauntered towards him and gave him a grin, looking pleasantly happy to be joining them for the late dinner. Tay forced a smile, putting a space between himself and New as he looked away.

Pulling Gun in his arm, Off discreetly looked at him with rounded eyes and mouthed, _‘We’ll talk about this later’_ Tay cursed under his breath, narrowing his eyes at his canvas shoes.

He needs a drink.

 

-

 

Off had decided to go clubbing instead, after they grabbed a bite at one of the 24 hours fast food restaurant. Considering New’s position as a model, Tay decided to bring them to a club that he regularly visit because it’s owned by one of his friend’s and it was known that the securities there is very strict. New pulled down his cap lower and pushed his hands into his jackets further, saying that he is fine with it. So Tay leads them a way and continued trudging through a throng of people, ignoring the heavy stare at the back of his head.

They took a stair down once they went to the alley and found a huge signage of Levels Club. Thanks to Tay, they entered the club without much problem. Splitting from the others, Tay walked further into the club and felt relief washed over him when he noticed his usual spot is empty. Neng was nowhere to be found tonight, probably celebrating his girlfriend’s birthday as he did mentioned from their last meeting. The club is packed today and the sound is a little too loud for his liking, left his head throbbing and dizzy.

It’s exhausting.

“One beer, please” Tay said to the bartender.

His drink arrived after few minutes. He swiped the glass and dunked it in one shot. The next fifteen minutes, he entertained himself with the sound from the club and chatters. It was funny how Tay doesn’t fancy any of this kind of overlapped blaring sound to the max yet he finds pleasure in seeing people coming in with a whole flashy outfits that’s clearly dress-to-impress, only to come out with a blank mind, sluggish words and staggering walks. It helped his brain straying away from thinking clearly.

World was starting to spin as scent of alcohol burning in his nostrils. Tay curled his hands around the third glass and pulled it over his lips, about to sip it until someone snatched it from his hands. Frowning but it was quickly swept away within a flash as soon as his eyes laid on New, watching him gulping down the drink in one shot.

“You seriously need to learn asking for permission” Tay glared at him in bitter. New just flashed him a smile, a glint of amusement clear in his eyes as he plopped down to a stool next to Tay, sliding his arm to hang it over bridge of his shoulder.

“Are you drunk?” New stood so close that Tay could smell alcohol under his breath.

“Nope” New pulled Tay’s body closer to him, crashing their body and breathed in his ear. Tay squirmed but still managed to keep his cool, looking at him.

“Sober enough to give you a blowjob” New slurred his words altogether, absentmindedly let his finger ran along the slope of Tay’s neck. Grazing the tip of his nose on his ear, New gripped on Tay’s waist and chuckled. Tay turned red instantly.

He gulped the lump stuck in his throat as he stares at New bringing a tongue, licking over his glistening lips. He tried to shove off his dirty thoughts or even images from running across his mind, anything that he may capable of doing to those sinful lips because if he did, he might not be able to hold himself.

"Come on. Touch me here" New placed Tay's hands on his butt and Tay was spluttered, taken back. He could feel heat crawled up his face.

"We're in public, you idiot" he was about to pull his hands back but New kept it there. Tay’s body starting to tense when he felt the heat of New’s body enveloped him, he is so close to him. Too close.

"New, people are going to see" Tay said, trying to remind the tipsy guy, even while his hand on New’s bottom was left to rest there. It’s weird but Tay can’t find it in himself to push New away.

"Shh" New put a finger on his lips.

“How did you know I like strawberry soda?” Eyes hard on him, face slowly coming closer and Tay can't stop looking at the moist lips and wondered if it taste the same as the last time.

“You’re not the only one with connections” Tay clucked his tongue. One second New was looking at him with a serious face and the next second, he was beaming like a kid, curling himself around Tay.

“You’re so nice, Tay tay” the red colour on the model’s cheeks was contrast against the pale skin. It appeared even more obvious this time, it’s endearing. The weird twist in his stomach came again but Tay is too drunk to ignore it.

“I’m not nice” Tay said in a low voice. “I’m everything but nice”

“It’s fine because you’re different” New said, leaning his head on Tay’s shoulder. Tay resisted from refuting his statement and embraced the warmth.

For a moment, both of them swayed slowly, arms tangled around each other. It’s hard for Tay to admit but this is nice for a change. Nothing sexual. Just them immersing in the comfort of each other’s warmth despite the loud holler of music in the background.

Suddenly, New giggled into his neck. “You want to know something funny?"

“I’m not wearing anything under” he whispered and Tay gulped down hard as the guy smiled in amusement, casually putting his hands on Tay broad chest, leaning dangerously against him. New’s lips looks so red under the neon lights. Shivers went down to his spines as New brought the tips of his fingers, trailing up to trace his handsome jaw absentmindedly.

“We should go back” He slid his hands from the bottom to rest at the small back of New’s spine.

“I don’t want to” New pouted at him. A hand came up to his neck and slowly making way down his chest. He gasped when there's suddenly a soft press of lips on his neck, which instantly transformed into a couple of licks and sucking that made Tay groaned aloud.

His breath is turning heavy.

“So, your house or mine?”

It should have stopped the first time. Tay had even promised himself when it happened. But New was nothing like he ever encounters before and it startled him because the male always managed to throw him out of his usual cycle. From one time being turned to two, third and it goes continuously.

Somewhere behind the locked bedroom door and moaning mess, Tay forgets the feeling of cold sheet beneath him. He stopped thinking altogether as he draw New closer, fitting his length between New’s ass and nestled himself all the way inside. A strong wave of pleasure hit him and a noise of grunt bubbled through his throat. He lose himself as he watched red colours bloomed on New’s cheeks.

Between sweaty bodies and entangled limbs, Tay dove deeper, stronger until New’s jaw dropped open, eyes blinking back tears as they fell back together, chasing for release desperately. Like any other nights with New beneath him, Tay willed himself to forget his fear and planted a kiss at the curve of New’s shoulder, because once for a long time, it was easier to drown into dreamland.

 

 

 


	2. Of reality and nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unknown to Tay, New has crashed into him along with a baggage that comes with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Incoming of word vomit. And I have to extend this story into 3 chapters. Hope you guys don't mind. Nevertheless, enjoy :)

 

 

They made a deal.

Every Friday or Sunday, or whenever both of them think that the night is still too young to waste, like today, they will meet and fuck wherever convenient, and leave. _No sleepover_ , Tay would remind New strictly every time they did it. The other guy doesn’t understand the fuss, then, again, it was harder to understand a man named Tawan Vihokratana. Unsurprisingly, their little adventures has gone to a lot of places such as Tay’s room or New’s—even  Off’s room when Tay wanted to give a payback for the salt in his coffee, the storage room at the set when New was feeling a little fearless, or in one of the toilet cubicles when they wanted to do a quickie.

The deal was good, he doesn’t know about New but it was beneficial for Tay because it helped to take his mind off certain things. Although, sometimes Tay forgets that New is a human, a person that’s capable of having feelings. While he is a master at avoiding his problem, New is strong to confront it. He speaks. He talks. He solves. And Tay thinks that might be the case tonight, except, New is dwelling on it instead of confront it. And honestly, it bothered Tay.

Tossing the used condom in the rubbish and washing up, Tay slipped under the blanket after, rather than picking up his shirt and prepare to leave. Bed dipped as it creaked loudly. There’s a discomfort hanging in the air, he noticed. New doesn’t say much before their sex either and Tay wonders if he did something that upsets the model.

Tay nudged New with his elbow, shaking him up from his trance. “Is everything alright?”

“It’s nothing” New shook his head, smiling at Tay.

“Hey, you can tell me” Tay found himself speak, his left shoulder knocked to New’s right. Consultation session is not in the deal so he wonders why is he doing this. The space was a bit narrow and cramped, but Tay didn’t shift away. He gets familiar.

“Remember the audition for upcoming pictorial that I told you about the other night?” Tay nodded in acknowledgement as he ruffled his messy hair and turned to face New who looked a bit greyish despite the luminous light from  the bedside table. Colourless.

“I didn’t passed the audition” New sighed but the curl of of his lips didn’t waver. “The director said that I’m not suitable for the pictorial. I’m not fierce, he said. Not skinny. Not sexy. _Just_ —not enough”

Tay stared at his opened palm and closed it, thinking. Usually whenever something like this happened, Tay would choose to slip off from the bed and get going but New was wearing that face again. The one where Tay found him in the cramped storage room, the one where his eyes doesn’t shine even with a plastered smile. The expression that sent Tay’s guts lurching uncomfortably in his stomach.

“Seduce me” Tay blurted without a second thought, straight-faced.

“Stop playing, Tay” New chuckled weakly, playfully batted on his chest and Tay found himself smiling as well.

“I’m not. Try me. Seduce me” This time, he turned to look New in the eyes to convince the guy that he is not playing. New looked at him baffled with eyebrows knitted in confusion.

“Come here. I’ll show you” Tay pulled New so he seated up.

“Sit by the bed and unbutton your shirt” Tay said, walking to New’s messy desk, cluttered with books and grabbed his DSLR camera, the one that he brought everywhere with him. He wiped it a little to brush off the dust and sauntered back to the bed.

“Are you sure we’re just taking photos here and not having any other agenda?” a teasing smile fleeted on New’s face. New has his shirt unbuttoned like Tay instructed, his short hiked a little, showing a glimpse of milky thighs as long legs hanging over the edge of the bed.

“Yes. Now, shut up and let’s prove the director is wrong” Tay rolled his eyes at the wiggly eyebrows. He held up his camera and looked through the viewfinder, hiding his smile.

Like a model he is, New posed.

Flaunting his body, New placed his hand on his thigh, eye smoldering dark and dropped his chin low as he flashed his smirk. Between Tay’s clumsy instructions and sounds of light flashing, New twisted his body over the white sheet, skin glistening with sweat, showing his naked chest. The charisma showed through the lens and Tay was awed at how fast New changed his expressions. As if he was wearing a mask. It stunned and scared him at the same time.

At first, Tay took it a bit serious, putting it into a practice for his job as he tried very hard to get the right composure from New. However, New probably noticed his stiff shoulders and frown on his face because the next time Tay looked at the monitor, he saw New making faces. It was hideous and annoying, nonetheless, it was enough to crack a smile on his face. At some other time, New would playfully dragged his toe up to Tay’s calf up and down, only to be slapped away by him. In return, Tay would let his finger gingerly touched at New’s calf and slid up over the kneecap, let it lingering over the thigh, trying to distract New which brought a death glare from the model.

After almost an hour of posing and flashing cameras, Tay was now busy looking back at the pictures he took. Reviewing and see where he could improve but the poke on his stomach is not stopping, which is not helping because Tay can’t concentrate.

“Stop poking me. I’m warning you” Clicking his tongue for the tenth time, Tay narrowed his gaze at New who was blinking innocently. As if he didn’t hear any grunting from Tay in few seconds ago.

“What are you going to do about it, huh?” Being cheeky like always, New smirked.

“This” Tay swallowed thickly. Putting down his camera, Tay gripped on New’s wrist, bringing of his hand to his face. New seemed anxious as they exchanged glances.

With eyes hard on the model, he pulled New’s index finger and kissed on the tip before swallowing it in his mouth. There was a slight tug of surprise but Tay kept his grip, firm. Pulling it out with a pop, Tay dragged his tongue and licked a long stripe along the palm. There is a salty taste on his tongue. He leaned forward and quickly slid his mouth over New’s middle finger until his reached the base, he sucked.

“Shit” New lets out a small gasp which instantly turned to whimper when he sucked again, hard. Making sure his mouth tight around the finger, Tay pulled and slid down only to leave a trail of licks at another finger. His cheeks are hot. It’s embarrassing to do this with their eyes on each other, yet hearing the noise left from New’s lips made his chest swell in pride. Especially when he noticed the growing tent in New’s boxer.

When Tay finished licking four fingers, he was back to suck at New’s thumb and bobbed his head in a slow rhythm. New is trembling now, eyes half-lidded and looking at Tay, biting his lower lip that it turned red. Tay bit and flicked his tongue along the curves, running it along the pad of the thumb before he finished off with a kiss on the palm.

Tay pulled away with a grin later, “Now, that was me seducing you”

“Ugh, you’re such a tease” New pulled a face, narrowing his eyes at Tay. Then, he was grinning and the next second he wiped his wet hand on Tay’s arm. Tay squeaked at that and flailed, almost falling off the bed.

“This is so gross” Tay winced at the sticky substance on his skin.

New fell on his chest as he laughed loudly, eyes crinkling on the side and Tay laughed along at the absurdity of the situation. For a moment, both of them continued laughing at each other and fighting to spread wet saliva across each other’s skin. Tay thought they were being a little childish and far from his nature. Nevertheless, he can’t chase away the warmth as New laid on top of him, both of them fell in a fit of giggles. It feels nice.

“Thank you for making me feel better, Tay” New said with a smile. Full lips tilted up with a glimpse of white teeth, looking a bit childlike. Especially with his trimmed bangs that was only an inch shorter than his eyebrow. Despite for his bigger frame, Tay always thought New looks younger than his age.

He is warm and sticky on top of Tay, his black mop of hair on his chest tickles him. It looks soft so Tay brought his hand up, reluctant for a second before he allows his fingers ran through the shiny black hair. Something was nagging at the back of his mind, saying that they are being way too comfortable. It also whispered that he needs to leave, he needs to get out of this room. He needs to stop seeing New.

He didn’t.

 

-

 

“So are you guys like dating now?”

Off finally have the guts to asked him one day, when Tay was busy waiting for New to finish his meeting with a stylist and a director regarding the latest pictorial. It’s not Friday, neither it is Sunday but somehow, they agreed to drop by to New’s house. _Just a minute more of ass-kissing and I’m off. Wait for me here, okay,_ and Tay didn’t think twice before nodding his head in agreement. Tay doesn’t know why he was waiting for New there, he could just cancel it and change it to another day. Maybe, he is just too tired to turn it down, Tay assured himself.

“You know that I don't do relationship. How do you know, by the way?” Tay said casually, looking over his shoulder. Gun is nowhere to be seen. Probably, being kept by the same meeting with New.

“Oh please, you guys weren't exactly that quiet every time he dropped by. And for the love of god Tay, you need to stop marking at places where people can see. I pity for the guy” Off bumped at his shoulder. Tay touched at the back of his neck, tips of his ears red as he reminded himself not to bite New anywhere above the waist.

Off whistled under his breath before he mutters, “And you know, for a guy who is not even interested in relationship, you look pretty whipped for New” at this, Tay turned sharply towards his friend and shook his head wildly.

“What? I’m not”

“Uh huh. Says the guy who’s always has his eyes on New’s lips every time he talked” Off smirked.

“Hey, the guy got an irresistible lips. Don’t blame me. You’re no better than me. I saw you stared at Gun’s too” He pointed his finger at Off and quickly took it aside because it looks like he’s being defensive. Defensive means you finds it half-true. And it was definitely not true.

“That is the point. Me and Gun are boyfriends. You and New. Not boyfriends” Off looked at him in the eyes this time, really looking at him. Tay flinched at this. Suddenly, he is feeling sick in his stomach. He needs to stop eating desserts that New gave him during lunch.

“I’m telling you. We are just two guys looking for a good fuck” Tay said firmly as if reminding Off, clasping his palms together. And maybe him, partially.

“We want the same thing”

“What is that? Sex?” Off asked, quirking his eyebrow.

“Distraction” Tay answered briskly. 

A distraction sounds like an excuse but Tay liked it better than denial. It sounds casual, less serious and a bit playful if he said it with a grin. At least, both of the words means the same to him, it helped in shifting his thoughts on other thing.

“It doesn’t hurt to like someone, Peng. I’m just saying” with a sigh, Off put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it gently as if comforting.

To like someone is to have expectation. And to have expectation is to prepare for disappointment. And Tay has been disappointed in people for years so he has long foregone believing in people. Even relationship. He didn't respond to ponder over the statement a little longer.

He wanted to say that New made him feel a lot of thing that it scares him to the core because it made him to start believing. Tay knows this feeling—he _felt_ this feeling before. It never ends good. It did not end well with Oab, neither with Lee. But Off doesn’t need to know that and Tay doesn’t even have the energy to explain.

 

-

 

Tay finds New very attractive.

And it seemed like almost everyone does too, a little bit in love with him. The school girls fawning over his latest pictorial, the staff from GMM shyly greets him and even the guy working as  bodyguard for New can't help but to crack a little smile for New when the guy hands him water. The guy is kind and lovely, Tay admits it. He is a rare diamond stuck in between nasty attitudes that he used to work with. It is also a bonus that the guy looks amazingly gorgeous on set.

Tay likes that New is different. He likes how New would casually rest his hand on top of his shoulder and beamed like a kid, or how he would shyly steal glances at Tay from the end of the hallway after their little makeouts in the storage room. It’s endearing. He likes that New read his eyes and seemed to understand where the boundaries lies between them. Tay also likes that New would tag along behind him as they walk together, leaving a little space for Tay to breath, not too far but just enough for Tay to feel his warmth. For the most part, Tay likes that New treats him like he is important. As if Tay is actually playing a crucial role in New’s chapter of life, and it is sad because at the back of his head, Tay knows that none of it is true. It’s just a delusion of his.

“Because I’m not the only one, aren’t I?” Tay asked New as he threaded his fingers through the silky hair. Because Tay doesn’t remember planting the dark bruise near his ribs. He doesn't remember biting the fresh red marks below his collarbones. He didn't made them. New avoids his eyes to pull at Tay’s cock and engulfed it in his mouth, bobbing it up and down.

They are not exclusive.

Tay also knows that and always reminded himself everytime New invaded his space and swallowed his kisses. But he tries not to wince whenever New flashes his smile at people or every time he pulls someone in his arms. He tries not to think too much about it because—he thinks he doesn’t mind. Not really, so Tay tugged the hair hard enough to make New’s eyes water and closed his eyes, groaning as he bucking his hip into the heat. Because like Oab, Lee and every other person who slipped into his life, New would eventually leave from his life, too. Like how it should be.

“Does it hurt?” Tay probed. Fingers hovering over the blooming red marks that was starting to turn darker. Crimson against New’s pale skin. It looked like it hurts a lot.

“I’ll stop if you don’t like it” New whispered softly. The guy halted him by the wrist and lifted it away from his chest. The bed dipped as he turned to look Tay. Tangling their fingers together, New tugged him closer and leaned against his shoulder. Warm and sticky. Familiar.

Facing the other side of the room, Tay speaks. “I don’t like it if it hurts you” he didn’t let go of the bony fingers.

Instead, he tightens.

 

-

 

There are some days Tay would feel unfamiliar with himself, discomfort even in his skin, when he feels suffocated and irritated with little things. Usually Tay would drawn into a confined space, not wanting to interact with anyone for weeks.  It was bad because when that happened he would become all mean and nastier with his words. He tends to push people away, like how he chased off Oab and Lee. And he would find no company fascinating, not even New’s shiny bright eyes.

But New is nuzzling into his neck, and Tay doesn’t really have the mood for this. Instead of just sitting next to each other within an arm length and drown in silence, they have been kissing. It’s mostly New doing the work with hands wandering around his body. It’s driving him crazy, despite him being barely sober so Tay figured out today is probably one of those days the moment, pushing New away from his chest with one hand when the guy was busy creating marks around his nipple.

“Are you okay?” Tay doesn’t answer to pull the comforter over his face but New stopped him by dragging  it down. He was stubborn so he avoided New’s eyes to look at the ceiling.

“You haven't been yourself these days” New played with the back of Tay’s hair and Tay swallows. His heart clenched as he heaved, having a hard time breathing. New is looking up at him with his glassy eyes with slick lips and Tay could feel dampness on his chest where the model marked him.  

“I don't _feel_ like myself lately” The room is spinning around him. Lying there on the bed, Tay was hanging between being suffocated and irritated as he comes to realization that his space is starting to smell like New, warm like New.

“There you go again, sounding so miserable” a grin fleeted across the chapped lips as New tilted his head sideways. Tay glared at him.

“You’re so funny, New. You talk as if you have known me for a long time. Do you _know_ me?” Tay snorted and the smile fades instantly.  

New seemed a bit taken back. Eyes rounded in surprise, wavering. Tay gulped a breath, cursing under his breath as he shook off guilty from his chest. That look reminded him of Lee when Tay had his arms around someone new in his house, pinned on his bed. His head hurts and he wants to be alone. It is also because New is a distraction that Tay doesn’t need for now, not tonight at least.

He scoffed at this. “Of course, you don't. I don't even know myself anymore" Tay spoke under his breath with a broken smile hanging at the corner of his lips.

Disappointment flashing over New’s face and Tay can feel his throat constricted as a surge of sadness pouring over him in a sudden. It does not looks good on New. The guy straightened himself up against the headboard, pulling his hands to put it on his lap, looking like a child getting scolded for eating candy.

“You should leave. I’m not feeling it tonight” Tay got up from his bed and pulled out a shirt from his cupboard.

A hesitant silence settled between them uncomfortably as New stared right back at Tay, who was feigning ignorance. Blinking repeatedly for a few moment, New huffed and cleared his throat awkwardly when he realized that Tay was serious. Silently, New took his clothes and slipped on his jacket, patting his pockets to make sure he got his phone with him.

“Don’t leave your shirt” Tay’s monotonous tone surprised him. New returned his gaze to the guy who is now standing across him. Holding out the pink shirt, Tay shoved it in his direction, looking far too serious for a petty matter like this.

“Can’t I just leave it here? It’s easier if I’m too tired to go back next time” New chuckled lightly, trying to ease the tension from the atmosphere.  

“Then, go home. Don’t sleep here” But the frown was still tight  against Tay’s forehead and New felt his heart dropped at this sudden change of attitude. He reached out his hands, trying to get closer, trying to comprehend.

“You’re being weird—”

“ _Habits_ , New. Habits. It’ll stay if you’re getting too attached” Tay cuts him off in a rush as he felt his gut lurches. That stopped New in his tracks. Tay thrusted the shirt on New’s hands and looked away, swirling around to sit on the bed. He needs to breath. Panic. Nauseous clung to him like an unfamiliar territory.

“Are you upset with me?” New touched his shoulder but Tay quickly slapped him away. He doesn’t need comfort. He doesn’t concern. He doesn’t need anyone. He just wants to be alone and New is not helping.

“I am not upset. Why should I be upset? I am far from being upset. We’re not a couple. We’re not even friends. We’re _nothing_ ” Tay nearly growled, locking his jaw tight, he speaks again. “We are just two guys looking for a good fuck so let’s just leave it at that, alright. Don’t get used to it”

It was harsh. Tay would understand if New stopped talking to him because he was a jerk. The guy didn’t deserve it. And like always, it managed to push New away. His chest throbbed at the image of New’s back leaving him. Closing his eyes, Tay pretends it doesn’t bother him.

“Fine. Whatever”

 

-

 

Tay never expect to meet New that fast.

At least, not like that. He was climbing on the stairs when he heard a loud shout, his feet froze. Gripping tight on the cup of coffee, he mounted a courage and walked upstairs slowly, trying to be discreet. There were two guys arguing as he stepped closer, one was wearing a jacket, arms folded with head bowing down and the taller guy was clutching on the other’s shoulder angrily, appeared to be intimidating. The conversation was not clear but he can hear whispers of _how dare you_ , and jacket guy was pushed, bumped to the wall and he winced, _you’re just a fucking tool,_ more wincing as the other slapped him lightly on the cheek.

Tay was prepared to drop his cup and rush upstairs in case it was getting out of hand. Except nothing else happened because the next moment, the jacket guy pulled the taller guy into a kiss. Surprised, his eyes widened at the sudden twist. The taller guy did not push him away but pulled the jacket guy closer instead, groaning out loud as he returned the deep kiss. Tay shouldn’t be surprised—it’s possible that they’re probably a couple. The kiss lasted two seconds and he heard mutters of _I’m sorry_ from the jacket guy before the taller guy cupped the other’s jaw in a tight grip and said _we’re not finished_ in a harsh ton _e_ , sighing out loud and walked out of the door.

There was a long stretch of silence, heavy in the air.

“Hey” a voice cracked the silence and he saw the jacket guy looked down at him, New looking at him with his shining eyes.

“How long are you going to stand there?” New asked him and at some point, Tay just realized that the guy was probably wary of his presence the whole time. He hesitated, thinking twice on whether he should continue walking upstairs or go down.

“You should have dumped the asshole” Tay stood still on his ground, face stoic. He has no idea about what he is saying, he doesn’t have the right to, especially after peeping on someone else’s business but he found his mouth speaks. New looked at him confused before it dawned upon him what Tay was talking about and he cracked a small grin, looking amused.

“God, no. He is not my boyfriend” The jacket guy laughed incredulously and Tay couldn’t help from staring because _damn_ , he missed that smile.

However, the smile doesn’t last long, “We’re—nothing. Like you and me” it fades as soon as it starts and Tay felt cold under those hazy eyes staring at him.

“Everyone does it here. At least, that’s how most of us get a job” New pulled the corner of his lips wide, looking genuinely happy but Tay didn’t missed the crack in his smile. New straightened up, brushing his clothes off from dust and walked down the stairs, standing inches away from Tay.

“That’s shitty” Tay spoke his thought out loud, unfiltered.

“And that’s ironic coming from you” New stated. “Concern is pretty expensive coming from someone who doesn't even care”

Tay’s gaze wavered at the statement, jaws clenched tight. It make sense, why does he care anyway? It is none of his business and he barely knows the guy so why should it matters to him? One moment they were staring at each other and the next moment he walked passed New, knocking their shoulders lightly. Tay pulled his hoodie and begins his steps, yet pulling it into a halt.

“Because you don’t deserve to get treated like shit, New. No one does”

Exiting the emergency staircase, he slammed the door and left New alone there. He doesn’t see the blank expression of the other guy’s face, doesn’t hear silent whimpers under clutched palm echoing in the room.

 

-

 

They met again when rain was heavily pouring down the sky. Rainy season is Tay’s favourite season. It has always been, yet somehow this time, he feels hollow inside. It has been almost a month since he last took the job as an assistant photographer. It was hectic with people shoving their demands and expectation at him, draining him slowly. Settling himself in a new environment was hard. It was tiring but he doesn’t have the heart in him to quit the job because the pay was good.

Although it was not his first time working from one place to another, Tay had no thought of getting familiar with the new surroundings or getting to know new people. Fitting in was never jotted down in his life dictionary. He shut his eyes closed and took a deep inhale of damp earthy smell, wishing his messed up life would stop for once.

“Can I sit here?” Tay’s eyes snapped open. His brown orbs were dilated in surprise, head turning around. Within seconds, his eyes locked into a pair of familiar eyes.

“New” his heart dropped at the pit of his stomach.

“Put away your camera bag” New spoke, index finger pointed on the black bag, placed next to Tay.

“Why should I?” he asked in an authoritative tone that caused the guy’s eyebrow to joint up, feeling challenged in a sudden. Tay puts his hand on top of his camera bag as if defending it on its place.

“There’s no seat left in this bus anymore and it’s not like you paid the seat for your bag anyway” New replied nonchalantly with a shrug of his shoulders. He has a cap lowered down, covering his eyes but Tay wouldn’t mistaken those eyes anywhere. The guy wore a light pink shirt, matched with jeans without any jacket this time. However, his clothes soaked wet, stuck to his body like another layer of skin and Tay can see water dripping from his black hair, body shivering slightly.

Tay shifted his gaze on his camera bag and wondered for a moment. Glancing on the guy again, he could sense the guy has no intention of giving up the seat so Tay sighed heavily and grabbed his camera bag, setting it aside next to the window and let the guy plopped down next to him.

“You’re wet” Tay said without bothering to spare a glance at the guy next to him.

New said nothing. Instead, he leaned back against the seat and snickered to himself, grinning weakly. The kind of that made Tay felt slightly ridiculed like a child but nothing close like far too cheerful neither mockery. Only pure amusement. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to get mad or even offended but Tay quickly shove the matter off his head. It’s pointless having a fight with the guy and his next stop is only about few kilometres away. He just have to put up with it.

Only a bit later when the rain was slowing down outside and ray of sunlight appeared from the grey clouds that Tay felt New’s heavy stare at him. Their shoulders bumped lightly, knees knocking into each other as the bus took a sharp turn.

“You're right.” the guy declared a bit too loudly, voice cracking.

“The job is shitty but I'm too fucked up to say no and I’m just so scared of losing this dream of mine” It doesn’t take more than a second for Tay to look back to those glassy eyes, lips curling awkwardly, hanging by the tips.

“I know you hate me. I hate me too” Tay looked back at the guy’s hand, noting the trembling hands clutched in balls on his kneecaps. It took a lot of strength in him from pulling the other guy’s hands into his or running his palm over his back. He just shrugged it off like it doesn’t matter, looking back at the window.

New’s station is only two stop away before him. His heart migrated in his throat as he felt a shift in the seat next to him. He watched the guy stood up to ring the bell, preparing to descend to his stop. It was only after the guy stands outside of the bus that he felt the urge of chasing after him so Tay clutched at his camera bag and ran before the door closed. Tay gripped at the cold wrist and gently turned him around, leaving New to stare at him in shock.

“I never said I hate you” Tay took a gulp of breath and paused to calm himself, “Although, I never said I like you either”

“I was an asshole that night, I admit it. I’m sorry. You don't deserve it” Tay’s voice was small, even under the drizzle. His apologetic stare flickered from New’s face to the wet asphalt. New’s hand are cold in his grip. He’s shivering and Tay wished nothing than to pull him in a hug. He lets go, instead, to shoulder his camera bag.

“Let’s just start again. Fresh. My name is Tay, Tay Tawan” he panted, breathing heavily. Blood rushing through him fast. Tay ran his other hand at the back of his hair, messing it lightly as he hears his heart beating loudly as he waits.

“You were an asshole” New mumbled and Tay felt pain in his chest.

“But it’s never too late to be forgiven. I’m New Thitipoom. Just call me New”

New smiled at him for the first time after the fight, eyes shining under the lights. Those pools of orbs were pulling him in, it was glistening beautifully that Tay can’t stop staring. He feels something heavy on his chest, stomach catching somersaults. He doesn’t know what it is but it feels like something lifts off from the air between them. The world shifted around him and suddenly it’s not that hard to breathe anymore.

 

-

 

“Have I told you you’re way hornier when you’re drunk?” Tay panted against his mouth.

“Am I?” New kissed him hard on the mouth, all teeth and tongue and Tay bets there’s drool collecting on his chin. Tay doesn't waste time to drag New into his room and hiked the other’s thighs up, wrapping his long legs around Tay's waist.

“Yes, like—ah shit, way way way hornier” Tay was fully hard when he entered through the door, groaning unintentionally when the guy sucked on his earlobe, hand palming at his crotch.

“And how do you feel about that?” New smiled into his collarbones.

Tay doesn’t answer because for some reason he thinks it’s cute. He is like an excited child, giddy with lips and eyes turned smiley. New is cuter when he’s drunk and it’s not a good thing. It’s bad, very. He wasn’t even supposed to think about New like that. Then, Tay moved to sit on the bed slowly and let New straddled him on his lap, legs parting wide and hands resting comfortably on his shoulder. He was about to tug New’s shirt off but the guy stopped him by the wrist.

“Let me blow you” New smirked as he licked and biting at Tay’s jaw. It’s going to leave a mark.

He has one hand running through Tay’s jet black hair and another hand was smoothed down chest and ribs to start undoing buttons of his jeans. Tay felt cold breath of air instantly on his lower part once the brief covering his cock was tugged down. Tay bucked with strings of curses slipped his mouth when New curled his fist around his cock, stroking it painfully slow in tight grip. New pulled back only to slide down on his knees in between Tay’s legs. The guy’s breath ghosted his tip, lapping at the precum. One second a flat tongue lapped over his length and the next second he's scrambling to tug at the guy's hair, hissing as soon he felt New swallowed his cock, deep.

“Wait— _fuck_ ”

New tightened his lips around the length and sucked hard, leaving Tay groaning as pleasure coursed through him. He sucked on the tips harshly and licked before starting a slow rhythm that he knows will drive Tay crazy. New glided his tongue down the underside of Tay’s cock experimentally.  He can feel the weight of gaze on his face as he relaxed his jaw and trying his best not to gag. Watching Tay's face darkens made his stomach swoop, flipping like crazy, sending chills down to his bone. The slow pace must be not enough because the next second, Tay was pushing New away.

“Get up here” panting, Tay pulled New up by his arms and cupped his cheeks, diving in another kiss again.

Open mouth hotly running against each other as Tay turned them around to press New on the bed. A taste of precum on his tongue made Tay grimaced slightly. He dragged his tongue on the open throat and tightens his lips around a sensitive spot, sucking without mercy. Bunching sheets in his fist, New made a small sound and stuttered when Tay circled a finger around one of his nipple. Smirking evilly, Tay lapped his tongue over the nipple and sucked on it through the shirt.

“Ah, don’t” New breathed which quickly turned into a whine as Tay bit on it, applying more pressure and rolled another nipple between his thumb and index finger.

"Fuck, you're so hot" Tay breathed as he watches New's cheeks turned bright red, his lips parted. His eyes trailed down at the prominent tent and callousedly ran his index finger over the length, making New flinched, biting his lower lips. Tay almost snort when he felt it damp, curving his hand around the bulge for a moment, he tugged the zipper opened and felt his mouth dry.

“Shit, you need to stop going commando” he lets out a shaky breath as he tried to wrap his mind on what’s happening. If Tay thinks New looks gorgeous before, he looks even better now with his pale cheeks turns into a darker shades of pink and the colours was appearing on his neck now. Eyes raking over New who was spread out under him, pants undone with the tip of his cock poking out of it with a bead of precum, dark gaze looking at him clouded in lust.

“Only with you” New grinned, looking mischievous. That’s it. There goes his limit.

Not wasting anymore time, Tay grabbed a condom and a bottle of lube under his bed which brought a giggle from New when Tay lost his footing and nearly fell on his butt. He is back on New a bit later, leaving a chaste kiss on the corner of his lips before squirting an enormous amount of lube around his fingers. He fleetingly probed on the hole a bit, teasing, leaving it clenches and unclenches. New gasped.

Soon, he pushed in from one finger to two fingers to the hilt, curling and scissoring it up and down that sent New keening, back arching beautifully before grinding back to the fingers. The tight heat around his fingers made Tay groaned, feeling tight coil pooling in his stomach but he refrained himself. He was about to push in a third finger until a loud knock on his door threw them off, looking into each other puzzlingly.

“Tay, Gun is sleeping here tonight. Just to let you know” _Shit_ , Off is home. Tay looks at the door and then at his hard cock, only to look at New again.

“I guess you need to be quiet today” Tay whispered, fingers sliding back into New again but the guy stopped him by the wrist, mumbling incoherently saying that _he can’t_ , eyes shaking. Tay decided not to answer by peppering small kisses on New’s neck and drove his fingers into him, moving in and out at a steady pace and it doesn’t take him a long time to turn New quivering under him, biting his lips tight as he struggled to keep in his moans.  

It proved to be hard as New lets out a small groan when Tay hits that one sensitive spot in him. He looked like he wanted to cry, seemingly to be disappointed in himself so Tay clasped his palm over New mouth and shushed him.

“You don’t want Off and Gun to hear us, do you?” mumbled Tay and New shook his head weakly. Pulling out his fingers and slicking around the condom in lube before lining up his cock against the clenching hole, he gritted his teeth as he slowly pressing in until he is fully sheathed inside. New is still so tight around him.

With legs dangling on Tay’s shoulder and fingers pushing the back of New’s knees, they struggled to move against each other quietly. It’s mostly New who struggled to keep his mouth shut, whimpering under the hot palm as Tay does not pay any heed to the fact that there are people outside, continue drilling New thoroughly and grunting out loud. The wet sounds of skin slapping against skin was loud in his silent room, it sounds so raunchy and New probably finds it erotic too based from the leaking cock.

"It’s turning you on, isn't it ? The excitement of getting caught. Wondering if the next minute Off would barge in here, finding me fucking you hard on this bed" Tugging at the abandoned length, he can feel New's dick twitch under his palm.

"Fuck, you _are_ enjoying this" Tay groans when he felt the warm heat squeezing him tighter, clenching around him. He continues ramming into New at full speed while the other guy could only rest his head on Tay’s shoulder as he shook his head, teeth grazing and biting his palm from making any noise.

"Tay" he moaned lowly. “I’m close”

Without hesitation, Tay brought his another hand and stroke New at much faster speed, making the guy choking an undignified sound at the back of his throat. Tay twisted his hip a bit as he pressed his thumb over the slit and New comes white hot between the two of them, choking a gasp, toes curling. Not long after, Tay came in a stuttering rhythm, groaning and biting on New’s shoulder, a shudder going through his whole body.

 

-

 

They had spent the whole week together after that. It was unexpectedly easy to blend in with New despite the contrast of their personality, eating and drinking while learning about each other. Sometimes they would meet up at a coffee shop in front of GMM building or Tay would wait New at his station, even though he has to walk almost five kilometres away from his house. Some other time when New argues that he feels too tired to go out, Tay didn’t even think twice before riding a bus and greeted New infront of his apartment with a box of pizza in hand.

He also remembered when New told him that he goes by the name Hin or Newwie, he had snorted out loud that time and New had slapped him and dug his elbow into Tay’s stomach weakly as they giggled at the far corner of the bar.

And when Off told him yesterday that he is going to work with New again for a pictorial, the grin on his face didn’t left his face the whole day. Tay beamed as he thought by himself, which brought a slap on his arm. Gun threw him a glare and told him to pay attention to the meeting and Tay only managed to wave him off dismissively.

Like New said before, it was like fate wants them to stay together.

 

-

 

“Do you know that you always have that look?” New said one night, when the lights are off and dark sky was above them, only couple of hours left before the sunrise. Tay was busy planting kisses on his chest, down to his ribs that was looking slightly prominent with shadows fleeted over the flesh.

“That look?”

“That dark smoldering look. Like one of the people whose looking fierce and strong on the outside, could care less about people because they don’t worth your time. The look that you’ve given up on people. The look that’s meant to chase people away”

“The fuck-off look, huh” Tay twitched his lips in a wry smile. It surprised him because New doesn’t strike him as an observant type. His fingers traced the fresh bruise on New’s hips for a moment, listening. New tilted his head in confusion, index finger placed on top of his lips.

“I guess you could say that. I was even praying that you’re not some serial killer the first time we met”  

“Ha ha. Very funny” Tay laughed mockingly while New chuckled wholeheartedly at his joke.

“In fact, now that I look at you closer, I don’t think any girls or guys will get excited looking at you. You’re just _blaghh_. So bland” New poked at his cheek. At this, Tay engulfed and bit one of the nipples, drawing out a whine from New as he flicked at the other nubs.

Tay was about to dive in again to bring out another noise before New pushed him onto his back with an _oomph_. Their bodies flush against each other as New nudged his thigh in between Tay’s, letting his weight rest there. Then New dug his hands through Tay’s messy hair and pulled the strands, it doesn’t hurt that much, just enough to make it prickle his nerves.

“But do you know what I like about you?” asked New, eyes all dark and hooded lids. Warm hands exploring underneath Tay’s sweater, caressing over the dip and contours for a moment, only to pull at the sweater up over Tay’s head. He proceeded to litter kisses on Tay’s bare chest and dug his knee at Tay’s front pants, teasing.  

“What?” Tay bit his lips, closing his eyes at the pressure.

“I’ll tell you that you have the most beautiful smile in the world” said New, appearing in his sight with a grin. New licked at his dry lips before pressing their mouth together briefly, sending butterflies all over his stomach. They pulled away and the grin isstill there.

“And that you have the kindest heart ever” New talked as if he has known Tay since forever and somehow it made him smile. Tay pushed the fringe that was covering New’s eyes, silently thinking that the model should probably get a haircut because his hair is getting long.

“You’re bluffing”

“I’m telling the truth. Oh! Not to mention a good sex”

“Shut up” Tay laughed.

Then, he cupped at the red cheeks and swallowed New’s giggles that soon turned into a loud moan as Tay sucked on his tongue. The next morning greeted him with sunlight filtering through his lace curtain and for the first time, Tay woke up with New curled up to him, tangled together in warm sheets.

 

-

 

“Do you think New likes seafood” Tay asked as he pushed the trolley.

“Hmm… I don't think so” Gun narrowed his eyes at the onions on his hands, bouncing it on his hands a couple of times before dumping it down back on it's place, deciding to pick at the onions that was peeled and sliced. Tay shook his head at him, wondering why did Gun agreed to go through this hassle of so-called cooking for Off if he doesn’t even want to chop onions.

“Why?” Tay asked but Gun was already half-running to the lady across the aisle who was giving out tester for meatballs, metres away from him. He chuckled at this and pushed the trolley. The lady smiled at him and hand him one stick of meatball that was cut in small slices. He said thanks and took the product in their trolley as well as dragging Gun away from grabbing his fourth stick. Seriously, this guy has quite a thick skin.

“Why not? Is he allergic to seafood?” He tried again.

“Didn’t New told you that models tend to... You know..” Gun shrugged his shoulders as he scrutinized some wrapped chicken meat on the counter. His words were left hanging unfinished and Tay walked over to Gun, hovering over the shorter guy as he folded his arms.

“I don’t get it” Tay drew his eyebrows together.

After a long two minutes of staring, Gun decided to walk over to the other side and choose pork instead, considering Off likes pork better than chicken. It’s even better that the meat was already marinated beforehand so he only have to cook it. Turning his heels, Gun faced Tay and opened his mouth only to find no word to explain it better to Tay so he chewed his lips, thinking.

After that, Gun decided with, “Let's just say they don't” and dumped the meat in their trolley.

 

-

 

Tay found out the reason few days later after they went for dinner to the seafood restaurant that Tay can't stop talking about. With a grin on his face, New doesn't resist neither he object so Tay didn't think of anything else. They ordered fried rice chicken basil for New and prawn for Tay just in case the guy has an allergy to seafood. So when he found New down on his knees at the floor vomiting everything he just ate a bit later, Tay tried to stay still on his spot and not bolt away.

“It’s fine. I’ve got it under control” New smiled, heaving heavily and his voice sounds hollow than usual. But Tay did not utter a word. He just ran his hands through New’s back and hold onto the guy a little tightly than yesterday while muttering _It’s okay, let it out_.

However, Tay didn’t realized that it was the beginning.

He never realized it before but after two months spending time together with New he began to see it. The signs when those chubby cheeks gone in exchange of sharp jawline and protruding collarbones. The time where New flashed his usual gentle smile during dinner as he talked, knife and fork in his hands, cutting half cooked meat in small slices and arranged neatly in his big plate but left forgotten untouched by the end of the meal. Popping tic tacs accompanied with a glass of alcohol filled to the brim on one hand.

“Why do you always have this?”

“It’s tasty” was the only thing New answer when Tay grabbed the tic tacs into his grasp. Grinning slightly, New tipped his head back as he sipped the wine from his glass, eyes shining bright under the fluorescent light, looking nowhere hurt neither disappointed. Just pure pleasant.

New sounds genuine—he _looks_ genuine, he always does, which leaves Tay to falter in his steps because it seemed like all of his thoughts were false assumptions. Tay does not understand it yet he does not probe further question. He only managed to pull New close by his hip and kissed on the slope of his shoulder as he tried very hard not to notice the lack of fat under his palm.

Tay also start to see the patterns of a genuine smile plastered on like a mask, when New suddenly disappears from the dining table to answer a call from his mum only to leave his phone in Tay’s bag, or that one time when New came back drunk just from two glasses of wine, eyes bloodshot and body swaying around with skinny legs barely holding up.

At first, Tay tries really hard to ignore the pattern. He really did. But it was proven hard once he saw the changes and felt it under his skin when Tay fucked New a little bit too hard on the creaking bed, snapping his hips roughly as he pushed the back of New’s thighs meeting bridge of his shoulder to bring out that loud moan of _Tay_ , hands gripping on the small ankles and Tay tries not to squeeze too hard on the jutting bones.

“Are you okay?”

“Hundred percent fine”

It got worse from there because Tay began to feel afraid.

Afraid because New no longer feels familiar to Tay, when the eyes looking back is no longer a reflection of stars in galaxy but an empty black hole staring back right at him. And when wide genuine smile does not seem far different from fake plastered ones, all he sees when he shut his eyes was New vomiting liquids with his pretty fingers shoved down his throat.

 

-

 

In the middle of April, New giddily broke a news to him over the phone about he’s going to finally walk for a runway. Saying that it was just for a local brand somewhere in Bangkok but at least, it was a start of something, he remembered New chirped happily on the other line. Tay wants to be happy but the smile on his lips was stiff, wasn’t sure what he’s supposed to feel. Still, he congratulated and promised New he’ll buy present for him.

“Let’s celebrate for your first official runway. Gun said you have a sweet tooth so I bought you a cake. A strawberry cake with white cream”

Tay walked through the door and moved straight to the counter, placing a big box of a cake. He opened the fridge to pull out carton of orange juice that he stacked them last week except the fridge is empty. There are not even sign of eggs or piece of salad. Nothing except few bottle of beers and Tay grimaced.  

“That’s so sweet of you but no, I don’t think so” New hugged him from behind, lips pressing at his neck as he mumbled “I’m tired. I need to go to sleep”

Tay gripped at the bony wrist, nearly winced as he was afraid of hurting the other guy but New was smiling with that plastic smile. Barely bothered at the grip on his arm. He ignored that New’s frame was looking slightly smaller than few days he met last time. Plastering a big smile, Tay pulled New to one of the stool and seated him there and arranged the skinny legs together. He told New to stay still for him to grab a plate and a fork.

“Here, taste it a little. It’s really good” Tay munched on the cake after handing over New the plate. He cuts a big one for New, quietly hoping that the guy would eat it and brings the light into his eyes.

“You know I can’t” New pouted as his eyes blinking tiredly. But New was stubborn than he thought because the model is pushing the cake away, untouched. Tay doesn’t like this. He doesn’t say it.

“You need to eat, New. You’ve been losing weight. Just take a bite, please” his hand is on New’s thigh, digging at the skin, also at the muscles that was slowly disappearing. He lets out a heavy sigh when can only find bones underneath his palms so he pulled away.

“The director said I look good like this so I need to maintain” the model refuted again, shaking his head.

Director this, director that. _Fuck_.

“Fine. To the rubbish it is” barked Tay in frustration. Springing up to his feet furiously, Tay dumped the cake on his plate into the rubbish bin. He was about to grabbed the whole box on the counter but a warm hand placed on top his, halting his action.

“No, wait. I’ll eat it” New said in a soft hush and clasped their hands together, “but only a spoon”

His tone was low but Tay can hear it, can feel the thrumming of heartbeat on the thin wrist and that’s all that matters. There is a flicker of sparkles in those brown orbs, not much like the first time they met but it was enough to make Tay’s stomach turn fuzzy.

“Make it two” Tay wrapped an arm around New and  slipped a spoon on New’s hand. This time the smile on the chapped lips was wide, seemingly genuinely happy and Tay returned the smile, too.

Honest to say, Tay doesn’t understand.

Almost every day he built questions in his head whether or not all models looking like this, sharp bones protruding over the flesh, eyes looking far too big for their face and thin legs too fragile to hold every piece of bones and skin.

But does not understand doesn’t mean he didn’t believe in it. Because he saw it, New, living his dreams, on the cover page of the magazine of the month. With _Thitipoom Techaapaikhun_ plastered on bold, big letters with _The Promising Rising Star,_ underneath it in smaller letters, Tay was blown away by the wonders of makeup. New looked stunning with his high hollow cheeks dusted in glitters and smudge of red liner under his eyes, prominent jawline matched with lips full of gloss was just a cherry on top.

Alive. He looked alive than he ever does.

The real question is: how far do you go to live your dream?

 

-

 

Until it breaks you apart, Tay guessed that is probably the answer to his question few weeks ago.

A loud _gorgeous_ and _marvelous, work it guys_ boomed through the whole room as Tay watched New skittered over the long runway with his skinny long legs, face blank of emotions. _A model is like a blank canvas,_ a director told him once. He never understood it back then but now, Tay thinks he finally understood what it meant, because New seemed like another pretty plastic doll to him, trudging down the runway with stroke of bold colours and shades of bronze along the sharp bones.

Some says _modelling is like giving the model a new identity_ , _let them living it into reality_ but Tay thinks it’s just another artistic pretentious bullshit. It's a nightmare. Because New looks nowhere alive whenever Tay caught the guy heaving a breath, clutching on the toilet with stick arms and too sharp elbow. It’s easy for them to say because they didn’t watch New breaks every night like Tay did and it pains him terribly to watch New being stripped naked, bare, only to be painted in splashes of shades and bright colours from the sideline and left alone after, to pick up his broken pieces and struggling to patch himself up.

It hurts because New no longer looks the same to Tay except for bones and skins with vacant eyes staring at him.

 

-

 

“You need to stop this” demanded Tay as soon as he slipped into New’s fitting room and locked the door behind him.

“What do you mean?”

“This whole modelling thing. Quit, please?” Tay said, nearly pleading.

“I can't, it's my job” New spared him a glance, eyes half-lidded. Clothes clung to him like an oversize shirt and Tay doubt it was size large. Tips of his lips curved upwards, doesn’t reach his ear and it looked like it hurts to even crack a smile. Even plastic ones.

“It's one of your job to maintain your body, _yes_ , I am aware about that, but you are supposed to diet in a healthy way, New. Not starving yourself. Not throwing up food and vomiting stomach acids into the toilet bowl. So help me god for _fuck_ sake quit this thing before you break yourself”

“It's fine, Tay. You don't need to worry—”

“I'm telling you it's not fine” his tone rise up, anger was coming up to his head.

“Why are you being so adamant about this anyway?”

“Because I fucking care about you!”

_Ah._

There it is, the truth, crashing into him like a bucket of ice and looming over him like heavy dark clouds. The truth that he has been avoiding all this time. Tay stiffened at this. Shoulders squared evidently with palms rolled in tight balls. New neared him but he took a step back, eyes shaking.

“I need to go”

“No, don’t go. Did I do something wrong?”

 _Yes, everything is wrong_ , Tay wants to yell out in New’s face as he watched concern flashing on the guy’s face. He closed his eyes as he clenched his fist tightly, this has to stop. He can’t handle this thing between them. He can’t. Tay scrambled backwards and took his jacket, almost dropping his phone in process.

He left New without a goodbye.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've read all of your comments and I'm soooo honoured for the good feedbacks! I would be glad if you can tell me how do you feel about this chapter as well. Like always, comments and kudos are highly appreciated! Thank you so much for dropping by and spending your time reading this. It's means so much to me. See you guys on the last chapter and let's hope it would come out faster this time :)


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